j u m b l e d || t h o u g h t s

its 2am as i write this. i sit in my dark bedroom, lights from the tree fill our hallway, abel cuddled next to me + a sweet husband sleeping an arms length away. i skipped two days of crying this week... abel got a stomach bug for the first time ever + it was horrible for my mama heart, also very distracting for my broken daughter one. hotel cafe : winter songs plays softly in the background of my scene + lyrics from a song i've heard a million times over hit me differently than ever before... 
"this is my winter song, december never felt so wrong" 
just a simple phrase that stung so differently tonight + filled me with so much emotion that the tears fell like it happened yesterday...
this is the first december in my 25 years of living that i don't have my daddy. no search for the perfect sweatshirt or gadget for the kitchen because it's the only thing he ever asked for, no hug on christmas morning or "breakfast is swerved" when the cinnamon rolls are ready... just memories. it's all we have this december. my heart is heavy like i've never known + i'm still baffled. still asking why? in my anger.   not that i would ever in a million years wish it on anyone else's dad ever, but why mine? my sweet + loving father who loved his family well. why at all? can't we all just live to be 90 + go peacefully in our sleep notebook style, lying next to our soul mate? i mean that's how you picture it to be right? when will i feel happy looking at pictures of him + not burst into tears because i miss him? when will i find comfort in the things he loved or the places we went together instead of sorrow? will i ever? so many questions, emotions + thoughts run through my mind... i guess this is grief. 
we're not supposed to ask why. we're supposed to trust God. + i do... but i'd be lying if i didn't tell you that it's been put to the test more than ever in this chapter of my life. i read a quote yesterday from a book given to me by a most special friend that helped me begin to accept what is, it said this...
"maybe, just maybe you don't want to change the story, because you don't know what a different ending holds." 
there's a reason i'm not writing the story + God is. He knows what it all means, where it leads... i don't. There are simply things we don't understand + He does. 
i miss my dad. i will never stop missing my dad or wishing he was here, but even in that i remember my favorite verse + am still full of thanksgiving.
"rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus" 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
i am thankful for so much + not in this order. i'm thankful for the family i have, even one less member. i am thankful for the time we had with my dad + the memories we have to hold onto. i am thankful for christmas + joy + snow + twinkling lights. i am thankful for our tiny house + all of it's quirks. i am thankful for salvation. i am thankful for harlow's christmas sweater because it makes her 10% less annoying just by putting it on + it reminds me that i do in fact love her even with all of her bad manners. i'm thankful that today marks exactly one year since my 7 month pregnant surgery stint + all of this happened. i am so thankful for this blog + for all of you who read it daily + stand with me on this journey through life. i am thankful for heaven. i am thankful for chris + how he loves me. i am thankful for abel. abel makes all things better. there is proof that God is good for anyone who needed it in his smile + his sweet hugs. he is the sweetest distraction.
i am thankful.
+ below... what this post was originally set out to be, christmas sprinkled in our home. xoxo

^^^the cutest + blurriest toes because they're always on the go 
^^^abel's magical ball of wonder... he was mesmerized at the store so his grammy got it for his room
^^^my favorite kinds of trees... christmas ones & snow covered ones
^^^i guess now that it's socially acceptable to decorate for christmas outside, we can say goodbye to the pumpkins

1 comment

Tiffany said...

What a powerful post. Icant imagine the pain you're feeling. You and your dad shared a such special bond. Thinking about you and sending hugs from Boston. <3