a rainy day read...

being stuck inside is no one's cup of tea around here, so last week when it rained + rained, we had reached our limit of tv + home, and i was just about ready to load everyone up in the car + go anywhere but here, i decided to stay... to be still + present. so we pulled out a few of our favorite books + an hour went by before i knew it. i captured the sweetness of the scene + was a better mom for not fleeing to car solace when there was fun to be had. i have really been focusing on slowing down + quieting my mind lately, so that i can feel less scattered + really savor life + all of the moments that make it up. this was a good reminder of why i should continue putting focus there... so worth it.

these two are the very best. watching them interact with one another is like opening my most desired christmas gift every single day. 

reading with abel here + here!

stories.

tomorrow is my birthday, and though 24 is young (okay 27), i swear i'm getting gray hair... okay, i'm really not, but i believe if i were actually getting gray hair, it would be more likely due to my children and not so much my age. those two hams fill my cup with joy to the brim and with it, never forget a side of chaos... 

i'll admit, sometimes two kids feels like 20. bring it on.

last week lucy was caught eating a lime green jelly bean that had been left behind by toddler munchkins, and abel helped himself to at least one sip of wine from a glass just within his reach... on the same day. I'm normally not one to share these types of incidents publicly for obvious reasons, but because no harm came to either of them, i'm choosing to laugh + want it documented... to remember, for them, and for me, and for the days when they are grown and I miss the little versions of them who kept me on my toes at every turn. 

they will wonder when they sat up or walked for the first time or what their first word was when they have kids of their own sure... but the stories they'll really be interested in, that we will laugh and share around the table together, that they'll tell their own kids... are the ones like these. sips of wine thinking its juice, curious hands sampling jelly beans, our first s-word and calling your dad "daddy-chris" ALWAYS. sitting by the heater vent & inviting mama to join, "here mama, here!" chasing bubbles in auntie's backyard, and getting halfway down the street before realizing that you are in fact sitting in your car seat, but you're not buckled in. these are the stories that you'll laugh at, that will make you smile, and when you're a parent one day, they'll give you comfort when you or your own kid does something as silly as this and you start to feel like you're doing it all wrong + making all sorts of mistakes.

these are our stories. i want to live an unfiltered life. if this space is really my own, for me and for my family, i want to have bits of every avenue here. it doesn't mean i think that i (or anyone) need to disclose everything all the time, of course not. i just don't want to leave out some of the good stuff in fear of judgment or looking less than perfect. i'm a great mother. i'm not perfect + somedays by 9am i'm convinced that i'm doing everything wrong, but i was chosen for this road, for you my sweet littles! we have happy days together + when i hear your giggles and see your smiling faces, i can see that you're well loved + that i'm doing just fine, we are doing just fine. 

i won't be blogging anymore...

okay kidding, april fools...

but now that i have your attention!

s a l v a g g i o n e   c o r n e r

when we were searching for a home before abel was born, starting to get discouraged (me), and feeling like we had exhausted google, craigslist, noco-homes, and otherwise... my mom clicked a link that lead to a home that would forever hold a special place in our hearts. the home that we'd bring our first two babies home to, the last of my homes that i'd ever sit and talk with my dad in, the place where we'd share stories, and laughter, and a place we'd fill with memories galore. our little home on the lake, our corner...

it was a little further north than we had planned to be and $200 more a month than we had planned to spend in rent, but the minute i saw the pictures i fell in love. not entirely in line with chris' wishes, but going on my gut, i emailed the owner. she responded and let me know that she was having an open house to show the home in a couple days, + i told her we'd be there. the same night, i woke in excruciating pain + chris rushed me to the hospital, where we had this experience. we were still in the hospital when the open house day arrived + i beggggedddd chris to please go and see the house without me! i had family that could sit with me + really wanted him to check it out. with 30 minutes left of the showing, he finally caved + went to see it. i received videos and pictures + a text that said, "i hate to say it, but i kinda love it." i probably squealed to every nurse who would listen about how excited i was + they kindly listened.

cut to: us moving in a month later. (here  -  here  +  here)

cut to: abel being born two weeks after that + two weeks early

since, we've rearranged furniture, painted, decorated, redecorated, made another baby, had another baby, and brought another baby home to this place. we've hosted holidays, adventured the whole acre of property with our toddler, taken 89,876,456 photos of the sunset over "our lake" (#salvaggionecorner on IG, check it out- it's seriously gorgeous), made memories that will last our lifetime, and now we're here...

buying our first home. buying THIS home.

we had no idea what this house would bring. we had no idea that we'd be thanking my mom for the rest of our lives for clicking that listing. but we are happy we are here.

today we closed, signed-sealed-delivered. we are home owners, a dream of ours come true.

...and now we build.

we've always wanted a smaller home to raise our family in, and as much as we love this home (like, love it so much we couldn't leave it) we are quickly outgrowing it. we've technically been living in 750 square feet, as our basement (while finished) feels pretty basementy + doesn't line up with our life right now having such young children. so we are building an addition onto our home to give us just the right amount of space + we are beyond excited. we will officially have a "master" bedroom with an actual closet + it's own bathroom, and a beautiful great room to host our families + friends, open christmas presents in, sit by a fire, stay up too late cuddling on the couch watching fallon or nashville, and so on... windows along the whole west side of the house + an oversized porch over looking our lake. because of the added space, a lot of the current space will be repurposed and used differently too, which sort of feels like it's a whole new space with the same memories + charm... and we didn't have to move (praise hands)! our build will start in a couple weeks and our contractor (who is awesome) is hoping to be finished around the 4th of July... you know how these things go, but here's hoping!

you just never know where life will lead you, a rental listing on craigslist could turn into your forever home, or at least the home you raise your family in. we are thankful thankful thankful for this blessing + for the answered prayers along with it. God is good all the time, no matter the circumstance, but He has SO been in this process with us, guiding us, + protecting us. thank you Jesus! and thanks mom!

+ now, because i obviously am going to post befores and afters throughout this process, here are a few happy pictures from our current space, xoxo

^^^that little blonde head... and this living area will be a dining room come end of summer! 

^^^these windows are where we will break into the new space!! also our living are will no longer look like a "toy show room" because our current bedroom will become the kid's playroom!

^^^that doorway + window will be come one big opening into our kitchen!

^^^the window + first two over head cabinets will be opened up into a bar in our great room, hooray for entertaining! the kitchen is also getting a small make-over, all my pinterest dreams come true... white (heart eyes).

Not shown, is our basement which hosts our laundry room, guest room, and storage. also, the kids current space-- which you can see HERE + I will post more photos along the way! We are SO excited!! Where's the bubbly?!

f i n d i n g b a l a n c e

today was one of my harder days as a mother. 

it honestly shouldn't have felt like it was... no one acted poorly or even melted down, everyone was generally content, but the lack of balanced days(months) leading up to it had me constantly thinking "is it bedtime yet?" and "how many more days until chris get's home?"

i felt the heaviness of not being able to go and do as i pleased or even just sit on my bed and blog or read a book or binge on a favorite show on netflix. 

i know this sounds selfish. if you truly know me, my parenting style or my heart then you know that i'm not.

it's mothering, it's 24/7 every day of my life from now until forever. i asked for it and i knew going into it that there would be days that felt like this. what i'm finding though, is that it really has nothing to do with my sweet kiddos, it all boils down to me and a lack of balance. yes i'm a mother... i'm also a wife, and a friend, a sister, and surprise!... a person all on my own too. i struggle putting myself before others, even when someone offers to watch the kids, or says "it's not selfish, it's important to take time for you"... i usually don't. i want to have it all together, all the time... i want to be the best mom + the best wife, and friend, and sister, and so on. and in return, as a person i sometimes feel drained. 

but i'm officially saying not anymore. 

in order to be the best i can be at all of those things, and the best version of the woman that God created me to be, i need to carve out a little time for myself as well, let go of the "i can handle the world's problems + don't need any assistance" mentality and occasionally breathe in 5 minutes of un-shared starbucks, attention or otherwise. 

so, i'm on the hunt for balance. i feel sure that i'll find it... it's probably been looking for me too :)

for the quiet corners of our hearts.

i still get angry + i still feel sad... there, i said it.

it's difficult to talk about loss... it's awkward, and it makes people feel uncomfortable. it's hard to REALLY talk about it and fully open up and jump in the deep end because you don't know where that jump will lead, will you be able to keep your head above water as you spill your guts about how you're really doing and how you're really feeling? will they be able to handle hearing it? 

so, often times we don't. 

...but today, for me and maybe for you, and for the quiet corners of our hearts that ache... i'm talking about it. 

i miss my dad. he died 16 months ago, and i still miss him, + every day that passes feels like another day further from him... further from the tangible, further from the freshest memories, further from the hope that we'd win. i feel this pressure, like i need to be okay by now and miss him less, i mean, it's almost been a year and a half and i'm STILL missing him and wishing things were different? 

yes, i am. 

i'm not naive, i know what's real + i've accepted it. that doesn't mean it stops hurting, and it doesn't mean it hurts less even... maybe just less often. i don't let it consume my days or even my thoughts, when feelings arise i work through them the best i can + move forward. i look at my life and blessings and am thankful, i focus on the good and the joy instead of the unknown reasons behind the heartaches. 

i never want to be a bummer. i seriously considered not writing this. i've actually considered writing, and not writing a post like this one for months, but today i am somewhere in between wanting to inspire others, and also wanting to be 100% raw and honest even if it doesn't sound perfectly poised, so it just felt right. 

my dad won't know my children, and my children will only know of him what i tell them... that's a scar on my heart forever... so some days i'm sad + sometimes i'm angry, and it's okay. i know i'm not the only one, and you aren't either. everyone is facing something, and it doesn't feel natural to let yourself be vulnerable, whether in private or to another person, but God created ALL of our emotions, not just the ones that feel good. allow yourself + your feelings acknowledgement. ask others how they're doing and really mean it, let the people who truly care about you in... you're likely to find that someone else has a quiet corner in their heart that needs life breathed into it every once in a while too. 

you're doing great wherever you're at... totally healed, grieving a new loss, angry, confused, or maybe a mix of it all. keep doing your best, keep moving forward, + pray that the joy in your heart will overtake that little corner someday. i'm going to...

thoughts on thursday + some cute pictures of my children (surprise!)

Why is overgramming a thing? Why does a certain number of likes or comments or followers make us feel special or not? Why do we gram at all? 

I heard someone say today that instagram is just a place to show off what you've got. Whether it's things or your kids or your breakfast... & it got me thinking. Show off? That's certainly not what I'm ever going for. I love photos, moments captured. I choose to post our happy parts, not because every day is a walk in the park, our life is far from perfect, but I love it + choose to see it with a positive perspective, and share that side. I post pictures of my kids because I love them + think they're stinkin cute, I post pictures of my breakfast because it was as pleasing to my eyes as it was my belly. I see beauty all around me. When I share on Instagram, this blog, or any social media channel, it's because I love and enjoy my life + want to shout it from the rooftops! It's sad to think that anyone would consider that showing off or even worse, look at my life and see theirs as less than.
Why do we compare? Why do we get sucked into "the numbers"? I know i've allowed myself to fall victim to this thought process. I think it's definitely important to search our hearts and check ourselves for the reasons behind our posts, our words and otherwise, but i also think it's okay to share bits and pieces of our lives that bring us joy. God gave each and every one of us a purpose, yours is probably different than mine in a lot of ways, but I know one thing that we are all called to do and that is to love. Love God, love others, & love yourself.

When you're scrolling today, be inspired by others + encouraging to them as well! & when you're posting, authentically "overgram" the heck out of whatever it is that makes your days happy! Your life is beautiful, you are fearfully + wonderfully made. It's okay to share it.

sidenote: these pictures have nothing to do with this post really, aside from just loving them a whole lot. i saw this idea through pinterest for "entertaining toddlers indoors during the winter"...+ i thought, "ball pit! how fun!" abel actually thought it was fun for about two seconds + then he began throwing the balls one by one onto the floor + moved onto the next thing haha! lucy laughed at him per usual + otherwise didn't quite get it. maybe next year when they're 1 + 3 we will try again or on a rainy day this summer. until then, we will continue using these balls to learn our colors, throw around, cover the entire living room floor, and find in every corner of the house even though i swore i got them all picked up :) 

it's a beautiful thing

lately i find myself in awe of the way God created us. pure, loving, non judgemental, kind... 

this isn't new information to me, but i feel like my heart has grown + that i've learned so much about this in the 6 months that i've had TWO children. 

your first child rocks your world in the very best way possible, your entire life expands in ways you never knew it could + you learn a whole new kind of love. having two children opens your heart in a different way, because not only are you loving another little life, but you get the opportunity to watch your children love each other, + it's a beautiful thing. 

since the day we brought lucy home, abel has been so sweet with her. even in her early days with us when he didn't show a ton of interest, when he did, it was so sweet + careful. he touched all of her toes + pet her hair, and he knew, without us telling him, that she was fragile and important to us. by the time lucy started smiling it was always for him, her first giggle was at him, and her face lights up any time he does nearly anything. he's there to greet her the moment he hears her wake + gives her love and kisses on the reg without any prompting. it's incredible. from early on, it's been like they already knew who they were to each other, and it's amazing to me to watch their love bloom on a daily basis. a pure + free love, the way God intended it to be. they don't think about loving one another, they just do. my wish is that we could all be this way.

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." -Matthew 19:14

i think we could learn SO much from watching children interact. i get to see it on a daily basis + sometimes i really do feel like they are teaching me more than i'm teaching them + it blows me away. i'm so thankful to get the opportunity to see the world from their perspective, to see the wonder, to see love in it's purest form. thank you jesus.

happy mother's day

i never dreamed of being a mom. it was something i knew that i always wanted to be at some point absolutely, i had a great mother & felt pretty confident that i could & would be one too, but i'd be lying if i said that growing up, "all i ever dreamed of was being a mother." i wanted to be all sorts of things. a spice girl, an actress, a singer, a dancer, a choreographer & most importantly chris's wife (from the day i met him, no really... the day he talked to me i saw a white dress & wedding bells). once we fell in love i dreamed of our life together, our house, our future & i of course picked out our kids names (none that we'd even consider now) ...and i thought how great it'd be when we had babies.

we got married & the number changed from 10 years from now to okay maybe just 2... then we moved to charlotte shortly after & met so many great people with young kids or who were starting their families & for the first time baby fever hit me. i saw how fulfilling & how wonderful having my own family could be, and all of a sudden i wasn't thinking of how great it'd be one day when we had kids, i wanted that one day to be that day. so we prayed about it & hoped that God agreed with our timing.  

abel has changed me forever. 

when you're pregnant for the first time you love your little belly & all the little love bumps that come along with it, but you really don't know the love you are going to experience once that baby is in your arms. becoming a mother turned my world upside down & inside out in the best way... in a way i couldn't have imagined in my best dreams. from the moment abel was born i was no longer the same 24 year old woman i had been, i was now a mother... entrusted by God to care for this perfect creation. abel has changed my heart. he makes me want to be the best version of myself, he makes the world so much brighter & so much scarier all in the same breath. becoming a parent is the most life giving privilege we will ever be offered & with it comes joy unspeakable. it can be so scary at times, because  when you open yourself up to love something THAT much, you are also opening yourself up to potential heartache THAT big. so i pray. over & over, every night, i pray for God to protect Abel & the baby girl in my tum from anything i can't, in all the ways i can't. Being a mother is love in it's purest form & i am blessed and honored. 

being abel's mother, i know that he prefers to separate his cracker sandwiches before eating them & always chooses the side with the most filling on it first, he loves to rough house with his dad & knows that when i ask him if it's time to calm down for a little to go and grab a blanket & curl up on the couch with me for an episode of bubble guppies. he's mr. independent right now, except for when anything remotely scary happens & then he's running for my arms. most of his toys are used only for throwing around & not the purpose they were intended... i fear for his sister's life once she arrives because he's mostly all boy & likes to be destructive  & make as much noise as possible. he's forever a mama's boy, has the sweetest spirit & if i were to guess, physical touch is his love language. he's really trying to jump right now, and it's adorable in every way... i know a week from now when he figures it out, he will be jumping OFF of things & it'll be terror for me as his mom (wide eyed emoji here). he is the best. i could squeeze him too tight on any given day & never get anything done around here in trade for snuggles. his grin, his grubby little hands on my face, his ever growing toddler bod & the sweet smell of a little boy who loves to play in any dirt he can get his hands on... i love you abel, thank you for changing my name & forever changing my life. you're the sunshine in every day. -- your mama

happy mother's day to my own sweet mother who i love so deeply & to all of the other wonderful mothers in the world! xoxo

may.

i love may. it might be my favorite month of the year (excluding october + december of course). i love the smell of it, the sound of it, and for obvious reasons, the taste of it... birthdays + cake go hand in hand you know. it's just a happy little month when the colorado weather has finally made up it's mind to be spring + you're usually okay to put away all of your winter gear (knocking on wood). may brings farmer's markets + floral prints, fresh flowers + pretty gift wrap. we are already having days of 80 degrees, we switched our heavy comforter to our light weight, spring one + most nights when i put abel to bed, i can still smell the sunscreen lingering on his sweet skin.

may is different for me this year though. i still love it, for all of those reasons + more... but this year i miss my dad's "happy birthday sweetie" + him asking me what i'd like him to cook for my birthday dinner. i miss the birthday sandwich that my mimi, my dad + my consecutive birthday's make up... made up. today marks one of my usual favorite may days, but it is so painfully different this year. my dad was the best. i'm sure that most people think that their own dad is, and for them that is true, just like it was + is true for me. he was loving + caring + gentle, and he could have you belly laughing so hard you thought you might pass out from lack of oxygen. he had SO many phrases that i still laugh out loud when they come into my mind randomly during the day. he gave the best hugs + took care of you when you were sick. he was a simple man, he maybe owned a total of 10 shirts + never asked for much. he was humble + kind, and was full of SO much knowledge that your brain grew just by having one  conversation with him. he was handsome + had the most beautiful blue eyes + as he drew nearer to Heaven they literally sparkled. i miss him so much + i'm sad we aren't watching him blow out candles today. i want to hug him + hear him tell me a story. i want to go to sleep tonight + look forward to his birthday call to me first thing in the morning... and all the years after for that matter.

may is still good. there is new life all around us. trees + flowers blooming, babies being born, marriages beginning + God still making things new + beautiful. i look for life anywhere i can find it, the rhythm of my own heartbeat, the smell of the lake early in the morning, and the sound of abel's breathing while he sleeps. happy may to you, and happy birthday daddy.

j u m b l e d || t h o u g h t s

its 2am as i write this. i sit in my dark bedroom, lights from the tree fill our hallway, abel cuddled next to me + a sweet husband sleeping an arms length away. i skipped two days of crying this week... abel got a stomach bug for the first time ever + it was horrible for my mama heart, also very distracting for my broken daughter one. hotel cafe : winter songs plays softly in the background of my scene + lyrics from a song i've heard a million times over hit me differently than ever before... 

"this is my winter song, december never felt so wrong" 

just a simple phrase that stung so differently tonight + filled me with so much emotion that the tears fell like it happened yesterday...

this is the first december in my 25 years of living that i don't have my daddy. no search for the perfect sweatshirt or gadget for the kitchen because it's the only thing he ever asked for, no hug on christmas morning or "breakfast is swerved" when the cinnamon rolls are ready... just memories. it's all we have this december. my heart is heavy like i've never known + i'm still baffled. still asking why? in my anger.   not that i would ever in a million years wish it on anyone else's dad ever, but why mine? my sweet + loving father who loved his family well. why at all? can't we all just live to be 90 + go peacefully in our sleep notebook style, lying next to our soul mate? i mean that's how you picture it to be right? when will i feel happy looking at pictures of him + not burst into tears because i miss him? when will i find comfort in the things he loved or the places we went together instead of sorrow? will i ever? so many questions, emotions + thoughts run through my mind... i guess this is grief. 

we're not supposed to ask why. we're supposed to trust God. + i do... but i'd be lying if i didn't tell you that it's been put to the test more than ever in this chapter of my life. i read a quote yesterday from a book given to me by a most special friend that helped me begin to accept what is, it said this...

"maybe, just maybe you don't want to change the story, because you don't know what a different ending holds." 

there's a reason i'm not writing the story + God is. He knows what it all means, where it leads... i don't. There are simply things we don't understand + He does. 

i miss my dad. i will never stop missing my dad or wishing he was here, but even in that i remember my favorite verse + am still full of thanksgiving.

"rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus" 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

i am thankful for so much + not in this order. i'm thankful for the family i have, even one less member. i am thankful for the time we had with my dad + the memories we have to hold onto. i am thankful for christmas + joy + snow + twinkling lights. i am thankful for our tiny house + all of it's quirks. i am thankful for salvation. i am thankful for harlow's christmas sweater because it makes her 10% less annoying just by putting it on + it reminds me that i do in fact love her even with all of her bad manners. i'm thankful that today marks exactly one year since my 7 month pregnant surgery stint + all of this happened. i am so thankful for this blog + for all of you who read it daily + stand with me on this journey through life. i am thankful for heaven. i am thankful for chris + how he loves me. i am thankful for abel. abel makes all things better. there is proof that God is good for anyone who needed it in his smile + his sweet hugs. he is the sweetest distraction.

i am thankful.

+ below... what this post was originally set out to be, christmas sprinkled in our home. xoxo

^^^the cutest + blurriest toes because they're always on the go 

^^^abel's magical ball of wonder... he was mesmerized at the store so his grammy got it for his room

^^^my favorite kinds of trees... christmas ones & snow covered ones

^^^i guess now that it's socially acceptable to decorate for christmas outside, we can say goodbye to the pumpkins