while you were out...

...lucy went + grew up.

insert all the hysterical crying emojis here now, because i can't believe she would do this to me.

no, but really... how big and beautiful is she?!?

the other day i was chatting with my sister about our new baby coming + how it feels like i'm starting  over again more than it did when lucy came. the age difference will be close to the same, and it's not like we are out of diapers or anything, but both of my kids are just so self sufficient, the thought of a newborn + then baby just seems so far away right now. i kept saying how weird it was, when taylor reminded me how long lucy has been doing certain things, and that because of that, she seems and has always seemed so much older than her age, so her baby days feel further away. we sat there watching little emerson scootch around on the floor at the very same age that lucy had started walking and getting black eyes at... and i let her words sink in. SO true.

lucy is a firecracker, she always has been. she has done everything at lightning speed both physically + mentally, and i both love it and it's got me going gray all in the same breath. abel is her very very best friend in the world + she mostly wants to be all that he is... he has a hat, she has a hat - this applies to most everything in our day. there really is nothing she doesn't say at this point - "i wub you toooo" and "me tome?!" being at the tippety top of my favorites, she leaps off of the couch or coffee table like it ain't no thang (thanks abel), still my very best eater - always choosing fruit or veggies over all starches, has to do EVERYTHING on her own, mostly always has bed head, loooooves to sit in laps, swing, dance, read books + sing "jee-sus love me tooooo!" 

she is everything and more, all of my prayers for her before she was born have been brought to fruition + i couldn't love her more, but if there was a way, i would find it. i could never ask for more in a daughter + am SO thankful that God chose ME to be her mom, ME guys!! she is going to be the very sweetest big sister, and i'm so excited to meet this new little one, and experience + celebrate all of their similarities + differences.

i love you luna girl, my sweet lemon - forever + always.

^^^aside from parkour with her brother, this is her very favorite thing lately. harlow is ever so patient + earning brownie points with me each time... she can stay.

skippin' rocks by the river...

chris is the adventure, i'm the safe place... usually.

on this fine day, i got to be both.

when we are at home, as much as it's nice to have an hour to myself when my kiddos nap TOGETHER, i sort of prefer them separate, because i get one on one time with each of them + i love that more. in estes, we aren't in our backyard or driveway, we are by a river, and rocks aka the "top of the world" and adventure! so my guy and i collected some rocks for indoor projects this winter + threw three times as many into the water. 

abel's sense of wonder is the best of the best, and it's always been so important to me to be a boy mom for him. to get my hands dirty, and try things i normally wouldn't + not screech at the sight of a grasshopper, but instead take a picture of him with it. he is my wild, and lots of times, i feel like i'm learning more from him than i ever knew possible... praise. hands.

i love you abel. 

^^^pinchy pinchy, his face is the sweetest

a rainy day read...

being stuck inside is no one's cup of tea around here, so last week when it rained + rained, we had reached our limit of tv + home, and i was just about ready to load everyone up in the car + go anywhere but here, i decided to stay... to be still + present. so we pulled out a few of our favorite books + an hour went by before i knew it. i captured the sweetness of the scene + was a better mom for not fleeing to car solace when there was fun to be had. i have really been focusing on slowing down + quieting my mind lately, so that i can feel less scattered + really savor life + all of the moments that make it up. this was a good reminder of why i should continue putting focus there... so worth it.

these two are the very best. watching them interact with one another is like opening my most desired christmas gift every single day. 

reading with abel here + here!

stories.

tomorrow is my birthday, and though 24 is young (okay 27), i swear i'm getting gray hair... okay, i'm really not, but i believe if i were actually getting gray hair, it would be more likely due to my children and not so much my age. those two hams fill my cup with joy to the brim and with it, never forget a side of chaos... 

i'll admit, sometimes two kids feels like 20. bring it on.

last week lucy was caught eating a lime green jelly bean that had been left behind by toddler munchkins, and abel helped himself to at least one sip of wine from a glass just within his reach... on the same day. I'm normally not one to share these types of incidents publicly for obvious reasons, but because no harm came to either of them, i'm choosing to laugh + want it documented... to remember, for them, and for me, and for the days when they are grown and I miss the little versions of them who kept me on my toes at every turn. 

they will wonder when they sat up or walked for the first time or what their first word was when they have kids of their own sure... but the stories they'll really be interested in, that we will laugh and share around the table together, that they'll tell their own kids... are the ones like these. sips of wine thinking its juice, curious hands sampling jelly beans, our first s-word and calling your dad "daddy-chris" ALWAYS. sitting by the heater vent & inviting mama to join, "here mama, here!" chasing bubbles in auntie's backyard, and getting halfway down the street before realizing that you are in fact sitting in your car seat, but you're not buckled in. these are the stories that you'll laugh at, that will make you smile, and when you're a parent one day, they'll give you comfort when you or your own kid does something as silly as this and you start to feel like you're doing it all wrong + making all sorts of mistakes.

these are our stories. i want to live an unfiltered life. if this space is really my own, for me and for my family, i want to have bits of every avenue here. it doesn't mean i think that i (or anyone) need to disclose everything all the time, of course not. i just don't want to leave out some of the good stuff in fear of judgment or looking less than perfect. i'm a great mother. i'm not perfect + somedays by 9am i'm convinced that i'm doing everything wrong, but i was chosen for this road, for you my sweet littles! we have happy days together + when i hear your giggles and see your smiling faces, i can see that you're well loved + that i'm doing just fine, we are doing just fine. 

abel, lucy + those sunsets... times two.

i get to mother these two.

it's incredible + challenging, and i can't believe they're mine.

some days i'm waiting on 5 o'clock, or nap time, or a drive somewhere so that i can regain sanity for ten minutes, have my hands free, or enjoy a starbucks and share with no one... that's some truth right there. more often than not though, i am the happiest happy camper you ever did see.

i told chris the other day that parenting is hard, and not for all the reasons "they" told you it would be. sure, i'd love to sleep through the night again someday, or stroll anthropologie without a meltdown or my stroller bumping into things, but it's not hard for those types of reasons... it's hard for all of the other reasons. we are raising people... the next generation, and at the same time, we are watching our legacy unfold all too quickly before our eyes. i mean, lucy is already 7 months you guys... where's that bottle i always talk about?? you know, the one big enough to store + save all the moments, and smells, and hugs, and giggles...

it's walking around with your heart outside of your body, worrying (trying not to) about things you never even considered before being a parent. it's time outs + hugs + dance parties in the living room... diaper changing, boo boo kissing, teaching them to be kind, and constantly picking up toys... and one day i know that parenting will look very different, and that they'll need me in a whole new way, and i them. 

it's life filling and heart breaking and joy giving, and so much more, and as i put lucy to bed the other night it hit me... i was chosen. God entrusted ME with their lives. to love and protect their beautiful spirits and raise them up. i do not feel worthy, but am grateful that it's not up to me. it was up to Him, and he chose me. thank you.

+ now...

abel at 3 months shy of two and a half- mr. marks-a-lot, i guess it could have been the walls...

lucy at 7 months...

+ the prettiest sunset you ever did see.

my twonager.

my heart on the floor...

+ the prettiest sunset you ever did see... again :)

f i n d i n g b a l a n c e

today was one of my harder days as a mother. 

it honestly shouldn't have felt like it was... no one acted poorly or even melted down, everyone was generally content, but the lack of balanced days(months) leading up to it had me constantly thinking "is it bedtime yet?" and "how many more days until chris get's home?"

i felt the heaviness of not being able to go and do as i pleased or even just sit on my bed and blog or read a book or binge on a favorite show on netflix. 

i know this sounds selfish. if you truly know me, my parenting style or my heart then you know that i'm not.

it's mothering, it's 24/7 every day of my life from now until forever. i asked for it and i knew going into it that there would be days that felt like this. what i'm finding though, is that it really has nothing to do with my sweet kiddos, it all boils down to me and a lack of balance. yes i'm a mother... i'm also a wife, and a friend, a sister, and surprise!... a person all on my own too. i struggle putting myself before others, even when someone offers to watch the kids, or says "it's not selfish, it's important to take time for you"... i usually don't. i want to have it all together, all the time... i want to be the best mom + the best wife, and friend, and sister, and so on. and in return, as a person i sometimes feel drained. 

but i'm officially saying not anymore. 

in order to be the best i can be at all of those things, and the best version of the woman that God created me to be, i need to carve out a little time for myself as well, let go of the "i can handle the world's problems + don't need any assistance" mentality and occasionally breathe in 5 minutes of un-shared starbucks, attention or otherwise. 

so, i'm on the hunt for balance. i feel sure that i'll find it... it's probably been looking for me too :)

it's a beautiful thing

lately i find myself in awe of the way God created us. pure, loving, non judgemental, kind... 

this isn't new information to me, but i feel like my heart has grown + that i've learned so much about this in the 6 months that i've had TWO children. 

your first child rocks your world in the very best way possible, your entire life expands in ways you never knew it could + you learn a whole new kind of love. having two children opens your heart in a different way, because not only are you loving another little life, but you get the opportunity to watch your children love each other, + it's a beautiful thing. 

since the day we brought lucy home, abel has been so sweet with her. even in her early days with us when he didn't show a ton of interest, when he did, it was so sweet + careful. he touched all of her toes + pet her hair, and he knew, without us telling him, that she was fragile and important to us. by the time lucy started smiling it was always for him, her first giggle was at him, and her face lights up any time he does nearly anything. he's there to greet her the moment he hears her wake + gives her love and kisses on the reg without any prompting. it's incredible. from early on, it's been like they already knew who they were to each other, and it's amazing to me to watch their love bloom on a daily basis. a pure + free love, the way God intended it to be. they don't think about loving one another, they just do. my wish is that we could all be this way.

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." -Matthew 19:14

i think we could learn SO much from watching children interact. i get to see it on a daily basis + sometimes i really do feel like they are teaching me more than i'm teaching them + it blows me away. i'm so thankful to get the opportunity to see the world from their perspective, to see the wonder, to see love in it's purest form. thank you jesus.

5 months of my sunshine girl.

lucy, today you are 5 months old.

i don't know how i allowed another child to grow this fast on me...

you are my little bundle of sunshine. always happy, always smiling, always shouting from the rooftops, "life is fun!"... especially at 7 in the morning. i can tell that you have a big personality + i love it already. i love YOU. last night you mastered sitting up all by yourself + we are fairly certain that you'll be graduating from a gummer grin to a couple little teeth in the coming weeks. your cheeks? i told your brother + i'll say it again... butter + syrup worthy, and your thighs? two little hammies, also squishy enough for snacking. you are the sweetest little thing, darling as pie i tell you! i always tell you that when i grow up i want to look like you :) but maybe you'll grow up to look like me, and i guess that isn't so bad either. whatever the case, i hope that you always love yourself + see yourself + your heart the way i see you + the way God does. you're a light, a true beauty, + the world sometimes likes to convince women that they aren't. i pray for you my dear, that you won't buy into it. if you get my booty, own it, if you get dad's eyebrows... well haven't you heard that "power brows" are in? you're on track for both & i have to tell you that they are two of my favorite features! i mean, the way your dark, heavy brows frame your breathtakingly blue eyes? melt me. and no one works a polka dot swimmie as cute as you do sister. it's my job to mold + shape you, and teach you what's truly beautiful in God's eyes, and i am committed 10,000 percent to doing just that. thank you for being a sweet angel baby, for being the easiest sleeper, for loving your post on my hip the way you do, and for making me a mama a second time, and to a daughter. i dreamt of you, and you are all that and so much more. 5 months! hip hooray, i'm so proud of you :)

love, mama

two years of abel.

while compiling pictures for this post, i eventually had to just cut myself off. every picture i have of abel was my very favorite picture at one time or another + so pulling together my "favorites" well... you know. abel is two. how in the world is abel two?! i'll tell you, nothing can slow time when you have children. no matter how tight you may clutch it, it slips away and all of a sudden you have a 2 year old, or a 5 month old, and you just feel almost desperate for a bottle big enough to store + save all the moments, and smells, and hugs, and giggles in. i haven't found one yet. each day with my children is full of laughter + love. not to say they aren't also accompanied by plenty of time outs + tears from one party or another too, but i choose to focus on the wins... call me glass half full. we don't have perfect days, but we have each other + we have love. chris and i have been parents for two years, and i'd venture to say we've grown more as individuals + as a couple in those two years than any of the 9 years before it. our hearts have grown in ways i can't find the words to describe, and our prayers have never been more sincere. i'm thankful for the gift of parenthood. it's fun, scary, challenging, heart breaking, life giving... the list goes on. call me crazy, but it's truly incredible. 

i write this on the eve of abel's big day. the hallway outside of his room is full of balloons + confetti + streamers, and i feel like a kid on christmas just waiting for morning so that i can see his face when he wakes to this scene. he's gonna love it :)

abel, today you are two. i love you. 

 before you were born, i prayed you'd be so many things... mostly happy + healthy, but also that you'd be the perfect mix of sweet + spicy. you are just that. you're a force, a wild animal, a ham... adventurous, and always testing boundaries, and in the same breath you are sweet + gentle, and even at two, want to be held as much as you always have... i love this. i cry just thinking of the day that you don't want to be held anymore. 

you are so smart! lately, you tell us stories over and over again, say new words every day, dance dance dance, are concerned when others are distraught, and are pretty compliant when it comes to bed time. you are a method man. you like things a certain way + recognize patterns, and you're not afraid to speak up if things aren't quite right... spoon first, then oatmeal in the bowl. you're papaw was like this too :) you're our little sticker picker. if there's a sticker, you're gonna pick it... your workbench learned this the hard way. 

i hope i never forget the moment you were born, and every moment after. the mundane, the milestones, your smell + the way you laugh. these things are embedded in the deepest parts of me. hearing you exclaim,"'gain!" after any and everything is the soundtrack to my soul. you enjoy the simplest things that life offers + it fills my happy to the brim + over to see life the way you do. if something's good, "again!" and why not? that's how it should be. 

i feel like i could eat you up. you're eyes are so beautifully blue, framed by a fan of thick dark lashes, and when you sleep, i struggle to not curl up right beside you + stare until i drift off too. you've lost most of your baby chunk + are rockin' the cutest little toddler bod if i've ever seen one. the only thing that's left are your sweet, round cheeks. butter + syrup worthy. 

you make me laugh more times than i can count in a day + you have me panicked that you are going to break a limb just as many times too. you are absolutely fearless, and as a mom, i love this about you, and also it terrifies me. you never think the ledge is too high, or the climb is too hard. it scares me because i fear we will spend a lot of time in the emergency room... you are your father's son after all, but i also love this about you. you're wide open all the time.

i don't know what i did to deserve a kid like you. you're all the best parts of life. you teach me, push me and wear me out, you delight me and make me smile until my cheeks hurt. i'm thankful every day for you abel. you're all i could have prayed for + more. i love you.