scenes from christmas day 2 0 1 5

christmas was so wonderful, but honestly i'm not sure i remember a time when it ever wasn't. this year was especially sweet because our kiddos were excited for it along with us. they are seriously at the perfect age for fun things like christmas morning + tearing through gift wrap. they woke us up at 6 am... we were super surprised, as they are not usually super early risers, but the minute abel's eyes even peeped open, he said it's morning time, we get to open our presents now?! it only added THAT much more magic :) reminded me of when i was a little girl + we would always wake our parents up at the crack of dawn when santa had come. santa did NOT come to our house as we had thought he would ha! abel had firm orders in the months leading up to christmas that santa was not welcome here, and he better not come down our "chim"... so, we didn't push that + everyone was perfectly happy. maybe next year! both our kiddos got a few sweet little gifts from us that we thought they'd enjoy, and abel made sure to tell us that "Jesus came to save the world, and he was tiny..." it's been the sweetest thing to hear this season, and also a little comical. He did in fact come to save the world, and He was in fact tiny when He got here, Abel really clung that that little "tiny" bit of information + always felt it was important to disclose... aside from being adorable, it also really hit home for me this year. i don't know if it's because i have children now or what (because obviously i've had them for a couple years now) but envisioning Jesus as a baby, and not as the miracle working man i usually think of, really sparked something in me this year. God didn't send us an immediate savior, He didn't send us a quick fix... like most good things, it took time. He sent us an infant, similar to yours or mine... "He did not arrive as a warrior, a king or a hero... God's presence arrived gentle and small, like a whisper." that felt really special to me + was refreshing in this season.

after a sweet morning at our own home, we went to my mom + roger's house and enjoyed christmas with my family. gifts, food + good company.

these two below, looked like this most of the day... i LOVE THEM.

hope you all had a merry christmas, enjoy a safe new years eve! 

easy like sunday morning...

i believe that the writer of that song either a) didn't have children to get ready + out the door for church or b) never dropped them at the childcare ...or maybe our kids are the only ones who don't want to be separated from us? but i really doubt that. 

if i didn't disclose that this is a serious struggle for us on church days, these happy little photos sure would paint us with the perfect sunday morning! the good news is, that we aren't perfect + the better news is that once they are in there, they usually enjoy themselves + are happy to see us an hour later when we pick them up. leaving them is SO hard for me, like want to cry or just turn around and go home + watch elevation online instead hard, but I read recently about loving God first. NOT NEW INFORMATION. but as a parent, i can tell you that it is easy to find yourself putting those little precious ones above ALL, without even meaning to. i'm in a time of life where i am trying to re prioritize the important aspects of my life, and so dropping them at childcare is one of my first shots at it. intentionally choosing God + choosing to let my spirit be fed for one hour (distraction free) + trust that my babies will be well cared for + loved while I do so. we started an awesome new series at church and it's made the struggle worth it, and i'm still praying that over time, they'll get used to going, or maybe even look forward to it? we will see! more on that later...

here are some photos from the happy parts of a recent sunday, i'd say we were 90/10 and i'll take it :)

...later that day

^^^this is what happens when you have two kids napping at once! a selfie + a little picket fence never hurt anybody!

f i n d i n g b a l a n c e

today was one of my harder days as a mother. 

it honestly shouldn't have felt like it was... no one acted poorly or even melted down, everyone was generally content, but the lack of balanced days(months) leading up to it had me constantly thinking "is it bedtime yet?" and "how many more days until chris get's home?"

i felt the heaviness of not being able to go and do as i pleased or even just sit on my bed and blog or read a book or binge on a favorite show on netflix. 

i know this sounds selfish. if you truly know me, my parenting style or my heart then you know that i'm not.

it's mothering, it's 24/7 every day of my life from now until forever. i asked for it and i knew going into it that there would be days that felt like this. what i'm finding though, is that it really has nothing to do with my sweet kiddos, it all boils down to me and a lack of balance. yes i'm a mother... i'm also a wife, and a friend, a sister, and surprise!... a person all on my own too. i struggle putting myself before others, even when someone offers to watch the kids, or says "it's not selfish, it's important to take time for you"... i usually don't. i want to have it all together, all the time... i want to be the best mom + the best wife, and friend, and sister, and so on. and in return, as a person i sometimes feel drained. 

but i'm officially saying not anymore. 

in order to be the best i can be at all of those things, and the best version of the woman that God created me to be, i need to carve out a little time for myself as well, let go of the "i can handle the world's problems + don't need any assistance" mentality and occasionally breathe in 5 minutes of un-shared starbucks, attention or otherwise. 

so, i'm on the hunt for balance. i feel sure that i'll find it... it's probably been looking for me too :)

for the quiet corners of our hearts.

i still get angry + i still feel sad... there, i said it.

it's difficult to talk about loss... it's awkward, and it makes people feel uncomfortable. it's hard to REALLY talk about it and fully open up and jump in the deep end because you don't know where that jump will lead, will you be able to keep your head above water as you spill your guts about how you're really doing and how you're really feeling? will they be able to handle hearing it? 

so, often times we don't. 

...but today, for me and maybe for you, and for the quiet corners of our hearts that ache... i'm talking about it. 

i miss my dad. he died 16 months ago, and i still miss him, + every day that passes feels like another day further from him... further from the tangible, further from the freshest memories, further from the hope that we'd win. i feel this pressure, like i need to be okay by now and miss him less, i mean, it's almost been a year and a half and i'm STILL missing him and wishing things were different? 

yes, i am. 

i'm not naive, i know what's real + i've accepted it. that doesn't mean it stops hurting, and it doesn't mean it hurts less even... maybe just less often. i don't let it consume my days or even my thoughts, when feelings arise i work through them the best i can + move forward. i look at my life and blessings and am thankful, i focus on the good and the joy instead of the unknown reasons behind the heartaches. 

i never want to be a bummer. i seriously considered not writing this. i've actually considered writing, and not writing a post like this one for months, but today i am somewhere in between wanting to inspire others, and also wanting to be 100% raw and honest even if it doesn't sound perfectly poised, so it just felt right. 

my dad won't know my children, and my children will only know of him what i tell them... that's a scar on my heart forever... so some days i'm sad + sometimes i'm angry, and it's okay. i know i'm not the only one, and you aren't either. everyone is facing something, and it doesn't feel natural to let yourself be vulnerable, whether in private or to another person, but God created ALL of our emotions, not just the ones that feel good. allow yourself + your feelings acknowledgement. ask others how they're doing and really mean it, let the people who truly care about you in... you're likely to find that someone else has a quiet corner in their heart that needs life breathed into it every once in a while too. 

you're doing great wherever you're at... totally healed, grieving a new loss, angry, confused, or maybe a mix of it all. keep doing your best, keep moving forward, + pray that the joy in your heart will overtake that little corner someday. i'm going to...

it's a beautiful thing

lately i find myself in awe of the way God created us. pure, loving, non judgemental, kind... 

this isn't new information to me, but i feel like my heart has grown + that i've learned so much about this in the 6 months that i've had TWO children. 

your first child rocks your world in the very best way possible, your entire life expands in ways you never knew it could + you learn a whole new kind of love. having two children opens your heart in a different way, because not only are you loving another little life, but you get the opportunity to watch your children love each other, + it's a beautiful thing. 

since the day we brought lucy home, abel has been so sweet with her. even in her early days with us when he didn't show a ton of interest, when he did, it was so sweet + careful. he touched all of her toes + pet her hair, and he knew, without us telling him, that she was fragile and important to us. by the time lucy started smiling it was always for him, her first giggle was at him, and her face lights up any time he does nearly anything. he's there to greet her the moment he hears her wake + gives her love and kisses on the reg without any prompting. it's incredible. from early on, it's been like they already knew who they were to each other, and it's amazing to me to watch their love bloom on a daily basis. a pure + free love, the way God intended it to be. they don't think about loving one another, they just do. my wish is that we could all be this way.

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." -Matthew 19:14

i think we could learn SO much from watching children interact. i get to see it on a daily basis + sometimes i really do feel like they are teaching me more than i'm teaching them + it blows me away. i'm so thankful to get the opportunity to see the world from their perspective, to see the wonder, to see love in it's purest form. thank you jesus.

happy mother's day

i never dreamed of being a mom. it was something i knew that i always wanted to be at some point absolutely, i had a great mother & felt pretty confident that i could & would be one too, but i'd be lying if i said that growing up, "all i ever dreamed of was being a mother." i wanted to be all sorts of things. a spice girl, an actress, a singer, a dancer, a choreographer & most importantly chris's wife (from the day i met him, no really... the day he talked to me i saw a white dress & wedding bells). once we fell in love i dreamed of our life together, our house, our future & i of course picked out our kids names (none that we'd even consider now) ...and i thought how great it'd be when we had babies.

we got married & the number changed from 10 years from now to okay maybe just 2... then we moved to charlotte shortly after & met so many great people with young kids or who were starting their families & for the first time baby fever hit me. i saw how fulfilling & how wonderful having my own family could be, and all of a sudden i wasn't thinking of how great it'd be one day when we had kids, i wanted that one day to be that day. so we prayed about it & hoped that God agreed with our timing.  

abel has changed me forever. 

when you're pregnant for the first time you love your little belly & all the little love bumps that come along with it, but you really don't know the love you are going to experience once that baby is in your arms. becoming a mother turned my world upside down & inside out in the best way... in a way i couldn't have imagined in my best dreams. from the moment abel was born i was no longer the same 24 year old woman i had been, i was now a mother... entrusted by God to care for this perfect creation. abel has changed my heart. he makes me want to be the best version of myself, he makes the world so much brighter & so much scarier all in the same breath. becoming a parent is the most life giving privilege we will ever be offered & with it comes joy unspeakable. it can be so scary at times, because  when you open yourself up to love something THAT much, you are also opening yourself up to potential heartache THAT big. so i pray. over & over, every night, i pray for God to protect Abel & the baby girl in my tum from anything i can't, in all the ways i can't. Being a mother is love in it's purest form & i am blessed and honored. 

being abel's mother, i know that he prefers to separate his cracker sandwiches before eating them & always chooses the side with the most filling on it first, he loves to rough house with his dad & knows that when i ask him if it's time to calm down for a little to go and grab a blanket & curl up on the couch with me for an episode of bubble guppies. he's mr. independent right now, except for when anything remotely scary happens & then he's running for my arms. most of his toys are used only for throwing around & not the purpose they were intended... i fear for his sister's life once she arrives because he's mostly all boy & likes to be destructive  & make as much noise as possible. he's forever a mama's boy, has the sweetest spirit & if i were to guess, physical touch is his love language. he's really trying to jump right now, and it's adorable in every way... i know a week from now when he figures it out, he will be jumping OFF of things & it'll be terror for me as his mom (wide eyed emoji here). he is the best. i could squeeze him too tight on any given day & never get anything done around here in trade for snuggles. his grin, his grubby little hands on my face, his ever growing toddler bod & the sweet smell of a little boy who loves to play in any dirt he can get his hands on... i love you abel, thank you for changing my name & forever changing my life. you're the sunshine in every day. -- your mama

happy mother's day to my own sweet mother who i love so deeply & to all of the other wonderful mothers in the world! xoxo

may.

i love may. it might be my favorite month of the year (excluding october + december of course). i love the smell of it, the sound of it, and for obvious reasons, the taste of it... birthdays + cake go hand in hand you know. it's just a happy little month when the colorado weather has finally made up it's mind to be spring + you're usually okay to put away all of your winter gear (knocking on wood). may brings farmer's markets + floral prints, fresh flowers + pretty gift wrap. we are already having days of 80 degrees, we switched our heavy comforter to our light weight, spring one + most nights when i put abel to bed, i can still smell the sunscreen lingering on his sweet skin.

may is different for me this year though. i still love it, for all of those reasons + more... but this year i miss my dad's "happy birthday sweetie" + him asking me what i'd like him to cook for my birthday dinner. i miss the birthday sandwich that my mimi, my dad + my consecutive birthday's make up... made up. today marks one of my usual favorite may days, but it is so painfully different this year. my dad was the best. i'm sure that most people think that their own dad is, and for them that is true, just like it was + is true for me. he was loving + caring + gentle, and he could have you belly laughing so hard you thought you might pass out from lack of oxygen. he had SO many phrases that i still laugh out loud when they come into my mind randomly during the day. he gave the best hugs + took care of you when you were sick. he was a simple man, he maybe owned a total of 10 shirts + never asked for much. he was humble + kind, and was full of SO much knowledge that your brain grew just by having one  conversation with him. he was handsome + had the most beautiful blue eyes + as he drew nearer to Heaven they literally sparkled. i miss him so much + i'm sad we aren't watching him blow out candles today. i want to hug him + hear him tell me a story. i want to go to sleep tonight + look forward to his birthday call to me first thing in the morning... and all the years after for that matter.

may is still good. there is new life all around us. trees + flowers blooming, babies being born, marriages beginning + God still making things new + beautiful. i look for life anywhere i can find it, the rhythm of my own heartbeat, the smell of the lake early in the morning, and the sound of abel's breathing while he sleeps. happy may to you, and happy birthday daddy.