i still get angry + i still feel sad... there, i said it.
it's difficult to talk about loss... it's awkward, and it makes people feel uncomfortable. it's hard to REALLY talk about it and fully open up and jump in the deep end because you don't know where that jump will lead, will you be able to keep your head above water as you spill your guts about how you're really doing and how you're really feeling? will they be able to handle hearing it?
so, often times we don't.
...but today, for me and maybe for you, and for the quiet corners of our hearts that ache... i'm talking about it.
i miss my dad. he died 16 months ago, and i still miss him, + every day that passes feels like another day further from him... further from the tangible, further from the freshest memories, further from the hope that we'd win. i feel this pressure, like i need to be okay by now and miss him less, i mean, it's almost been a year and a half and i'm STILL missing him and wishing things were different?
yes, i am.
i'm not naive, i know what's real + i've accepted it. that doesn't mean it stops hurting, and it doesn't mean it hurts less even... maybe just less often. i don't let it consume my days or even my thoughts, when feelings arise i work through them the best i can + move forward. i look at my life and blessings and am thankful, i focus on the good and the joy instead of the unknown reasons behind the heartaches.
i never want to be a bummer. i seriously considered not writing this. i've actually considered writing, and not writing a post like this one for months, but today i am somewhere in between wanting to inspire others, and also wanting to be 100% raw and honest even if it doesn't sound perfectly poised, so it just felt right.
my dad won't know my children, and my children will only know of him what i tell them... that's a scar on my heart forever... so some days i'm sad + sometimes i'm angry, and it's okay. i know i'm not the only one, and you aren't either. everyone is facing something, and it doesn't feel natural to let yourself be vulnerable, whether in private or to another person, but God created ALL of our emotions, not just the ones that feel good. allow yourself + your feelings acknowledgement. ask others how they're doing and really mean it, let the people who truly care about you in... you're likely to find that someone else has a quiet corner in their heart that needs life breathed into it every once in a while too.
you're doing great wherever you're at... totally healed, grieving a new loss, angry, confused, or maybe a mix of it all. keep doing your best, keep moving forward, + pray that the joy in your heart will overtake that little corner someday. i'm going to...