9.27.2017

the weight of the world

the weight of the world.

i live as if i believe it's mine for the taking.
i wish that i didn't... but i can't help myself not to feel so deeply. i avoid the news at all costs and i honestly brace myself anytime someone asks me if i've heard about what happened to _____. i don't want to seem selfish or insensitive, but my heart can't hold it. a heart like mine is a wonderful blessing on any given day, but to say that it isn't burdening at times would be lying. feeling the hurts of the world i live in, for both people i know and don't know, weighs on me like all of the pain is my own sometimes.

my life has always had depth, but up until my dad died, it was pretty breezy. i mean, the worst thing that i had experienced was "the dark time" and i'm fairly certain that everyone has experienced a break up at least once in their life, not to mention, we ended up together in the end...
honestly, i can't recall any of my most important prayers not being answered in the way i had hoped, aside from my dad.
i pleaded with God over that one... begged him to show us a miracle through my Dad... maybe I needed to be more specific? or maybe we have yet to see the miracle, it looks different than we envisioned, but it's coming? i don't know. i just know that the world doesn't make sense to me, which i suppose is just more proof that we don't belong here... it's just a temporary home. 

life feels heartbreaking. heartbreaking in the best way, like your kids saying dinner prayer all by themselves + you bursting into tears across from them because you're so dang proud of them + of yourself for raising them up the best you know how... and it's heartbreaking in the obvious ways. death, hurting hearts, broken relationships, hate, natural disasters and the tragedy that accompanies them... i could cry and cry over this stuff, or never leave my house out of fear if i allowed myself to really linger on it.

sometimes it makes me feel helpless, or feel mad at God, and other times i cling to Him tighter. my sweet + lovely friend Jess, did a video message shortly after my Dad passed + shared scripture that has been comforting for me in times of my own sorrows, or the weight from the sorrows of others (you can watch it here). the story she uses, the thought of Jesus weeping alongside us, comforts me somehow, and i'm thankful for the reminder on days like today when my heart can't hold the pain of another... that He is there with them, he is here with me... with us always, our biggest comforter.

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