my only...

lately my mind has been churning… and churning & churning. mostly it's late at night when the house is asleep… just me, my thoughts & the hum of our window unit. while i'm lying in bed, watching abel sleep like a big boy through the monitor, i can't help but find myself in a place of grieving (for lack of a less dramatic word). this is it, only a handful of weeks left before abel isn't my only…

it's not something i like to talk about or share, because with it comes so much guilt too. how dare i cry over the fact that we are adding another beautiful life to our family?! i wanted this. i WANT this. i'm so excited to have another baby in our home & i'm counting the weeks until she is here… in the exact same breath, i know that things will change & i want to freeze time & bottle it up because i love EXACTLY what we have going on right now.

i think these are normal feelings… at least for me. i felt this way before abel was born too. as my due date crept closer, i began fretting over it not being just chris and i anymore, and how things would be different & "oh my gosh, maybe we haven't had enough time together just us, i don't want things to change!"

…and well, that worked out… obviously :)

abel is our world. just tonight, we finished dinner & just sat on the couch watching him. running over here, throwing this over there, looking at us occasionally to make sure we were looking at him. his precious voice chatting gibberish about who knows what & the two of us looking at each other every 4 seconds to smile & laugh, and repeat for the 52,879 time, "he's so cute, i love him. he's the best." all the while loving each other more just in sharing this moment together. he is our only. since the day he was born, i remember thinking that i wanted to have a million more babies because i loved him so much, and at the exact same time thinking that i'd never have another, because i couldn't imagine loving anything more than him… since then, that love has only intensified.

i cherish our days together. every day, just me and him. walking around outside, up and down the hill picking dandelions. going to the snack cabinet every 5 minutes, snuggling on the couch watching bubble guppies & swinging for hours on end if it's up to him. this list could be endless. abel is my buddy, the beat of my heart, the constant in the chaos.

i know that just because we are adding another little around here that these times of just him and i are not over for good, but i do know that they will change. i also know that giving abel a sibling is the sweetest gift we could give him & that i am a good mom & that even though i can't see it now, i will figure out how to prioritize both of my children equally. our days will no longer be just the two of us, but will be filled with even more love than we can dream up right now, because SHE will be there too.

from the moment abel was born, every anxious thought i had vanished. he fit perfectly within the walls of our love & relationship, and the way it changed things was the most wonderful, welcomed change i could have imagined. silly me to have worried at all, but it's in my nature. i cling to control, i fear change, i worry about the unknown… am i human or something?

i believe that our girl will fall into place the moment we lay our eyes on her & the second abel touches her with his chubby, gentle, toddler hands our hearts will be filled with a joy beyond measure. until that day though, i will continue to cherish and soak up every last drop of abel being our only little one. less housework & more cuddling, sitting on the floor & pulling out every toy from the box, swinging him to his hearts content & chocolate chips every single day :)